Thanksgiving "Turkeys" Weekend Part 2: If An "Amazon Attacks", And No One Cares, Does It Even Happen?

This is kind of unusual, in that I REALLY don't have any tertiary comics updates for you, this Sunday.  I have been reading since my blog entry, yesterday.  I came across a KILLER "Batman" issue in my readings, with artwork by Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez (PRAISE BE HIS NAME), and JLGL can make even the Crime King awesome!  I also came up with the ROUGH guidelines for the impending 100th. post contest!  So, I may as well present you readers with the details for it, right now!  I came up with 3 questions that can ONLY be answered if you've been a regular reader of the blog, since I started it.  And there will be up to 3 winners, depending on the arrival of entries, along with the correct answers.  If you're one of the lucky trinity, you'll walk away with a mailed package FULL of comicky delights!  Graphic novels!  Random crazy single issues!  "Wizard Magazine" issues!  Maybe even an action figure or two!  But that's coming for this weekend, and I'll not only provide you with the questions, but the email address to best send those answers to! 

Now... Let's talk about the main reason why I decided upon a "Turkey" theme for the weekend.  This topic came from my time of material questioning from the "Gentleman's Guide to Comics" Facebook group.  It was on that group that a fellow member, James M., gave me a rather interesting challenge.  Instead of providing me with a expansive topic, he requested I cover maybe one of the most INFAMOUS event stories of modern comic publishing.  At first, I teased him about it, because c'mon... Me, cover THIS story?!?  I know I have a bent towards comic masochism, but to visit a story I know I read only ONCE, and apparently was so "impressed" by it, I couldn't even remember a detail of it?  Then, the more I thought about the Thanksgiving connections to "Turkeys", this story just sounded more and more viable to cover for discussion.  So... James M... and fellow readers... I present you with my coverage of DC's Wonder Woman event leading into the build-up of "Final Crisis"...

Amazons Attack #1: Before I fully begin, I want to provide you readers with two key bits of personal background on this event.

1. This storyline may have been more notable for being an influential series of episodes of Linkara's "Atop the Fourth Wall" video review show.  I believe it was this series that helped bring "Amazons Attack" back to some kind of awareness. 
2. This storyline ALSO came during a really... weird... time for Wonder Woman, creatively.  After the first "Crisis", where George Perez helmed the title, Diana Prince achieved TRULY great heights in story interest!  But once he departed the title, the title became a bit of an ebb and flow.  At least before "Infinite Crisis", Greg Rucka provided some form of "return to greatness" for the shaped daughter of Hippolyta, but after THAT particular "Crisis"... and in the wake of the "One Year Later" story for the main DC characters, Wonder Woman's own title was... less-than-impressive.  Artistic delays, WEIRD writer choices... like one of the creators of the "O.C" television program, and Jodi Picoult, an Oprah-centric fiction writer... and the notion of Wonder Woman having to piece her life together after her televised murder of Maxwell Lord, just made the book an experience in trying to rationalize why we LIKED Wonder Woman in the first place.

The caveat I should mention for this article is I read ONLY the trade paperback collection of the six-issue mini-series.  There are text pieces in between the issues that I THINK summarize events that took place in "Wonder Woman", and in other titles tied in to the "Amazons Attack" storyline.  (For example, I get the itching feeling this story touched down in "Teen Titans" and "Catwoman", based on certain connections.)  Got that all?  Good!  Shall I start banging my head against the wall?  LET'S!

The background for this story involves Hippolyta being brought back to life, after dying in the "Our Worlds at War" event by Circe.  But we know Circe don't have much good intentions in mind for THIS act of kindness!  So she notifies our resurrected Queen that Princess Diana is being held prisoner by the United States government, to gain knowledge of Amazonian secrets.  Oh, and Diana's being "tortured", too, according to Circe.  (Probably by being forced to read the Jodi Picoult issues of her own series.)  Diana WAS captured by government forces, true, under the direction of a shape-changing plant in a security agency she works for, but she has already escaped.  However, Hippolyta knows NADA about this, and decides the best way to approach the situation is NWO-style.  Namely, USA... "You want a war?  You got one!"

Our first issue opens up with the Amazonian army zapping into Washington D.C., and right off the bat, killing off a father and his son.  So we can begin sympathizing for their anger... right?  The President, some aides, and some Secret Service agents are about to evacuate the White House, only to be cornered by Amazonian soldiers... and THEN rescued by Black Lightning.  (Who says this character gets NO highlight moments in comics?)  Hippolyta decides to chill at the Smithsonian, delivers some Pro Wrasslin' speeches to her fellow Sisters, and converses with Circe... who mutters about her "brilliant" scheming.  Our issue essentially ends with 'Lyta chopping the head off the Lincoln Memorial, Batman talking to our fake shape-changer government plant, and Diana INSTANTLY showing up with no background to talk to Mommy Dearest in the middle of the razing of Washington. 

Amazons Attack #2 opens up with a trope we will see at the opening of EVERY subsequent issue, with a LexNews "Special Report" detailing the events of the last issue.  The text piece talks about some TRULY inspired craziness in other titles, like how Hippolyta apparently "kills" Circe, after revealing that she intends to launch a nuclear missile at Themyscira.  We also apparently miss the capture of the shape-changing inside agent of Circe, and the recovery of PROPER defense control by a character known as Nemesis. 

The full-on action of the issue begins with Amazons taking out Air Force jets over D.C.... with ARROWS.  But before they can begin killing a FEMALE PILOT... the attack is halted by Black Canary's "canary cry", and the arrival of the Justice League of America.  Batman... OF COURSE... acts as strategic coordinator.  Because... y'know... Batman.  Nemesis updates Batman on the fact that the Amazonian attacks are extending out to a Californian Air Force base.  Cut to Donna Troy... who for a stretch of time in the post "Infinite Crisis" WW title POSED as Wonder Woman... beats up some Amazons on the way to have a chat with Hippolyta about bringing Diana to her for a conversation.  (Which ALREADY HAPPENED!)  Hippolyta's two leading generals wonder if she's truly flipped her gourd, Batman finds Wonder Woman and asks "what side is she on", and we end the issue with Superman flying off to his adoptive home territory of Kansas, where the Amazon have apparently set the "grain belt" to the torch.  ALL. OF. IT.  Makes "perfect sense", right?

Amazons Attack #3 gives us another news update, and Superman arrives in Kansas for the GREAT CRISIS of the crop fires... by blowing on it all, just ONCE, with his freezing breath.  Crisis averted pretty darned fast, eh?  Hippolyta issues a video statement to the nation, commanding complete surrender to the Amazon rule, with only ONE DAY to decide.  (I have to make note that for the "replay" of this video in the next issue, apparently Hippolyta has a change of heart, because her video playback states she gives the nation ONE WEEK to decide on Amazonian surrender.)  The cameraman taken hostage for this video piece is beheaded, and we cut... bad joke, I know... to the President and his aides on Air Force One, speaking cryptically about "issuing the order".  Cut to the Korean War Veterans Memorial, where Batman fights some Amazons... in the rain... because, Batman.  We then get to find out what this Presidential order actually is; the order of house arrests against any women's shelter that was sponsored by Amazonian initiative.  Apparently we COMPLETELY missed agent Nemesis being incapacitated by an...  well... I'll let Batman describe it for you.

My god, indeed. 

Cut to Supergirl and Wonder Girl meeting with Hippolyta, for reasons yet to be revealed, Wonder Woman saying she needs to eventually get to Themyscira to recover the antidote for Nemesis' "bee sting"... but saying that can wait to help out with the Amazonian attack, and Oracle/Barbara Gordon notifying Batman of a nuclear plant bombing in Star City, which Green Arrow managed to help put into order.  Ollie Queen also notices the bomb was of completely TECHNILOGICAL make, which is outside of usual Amazonian tactics... but NOT to a rogue group of Amazons known as the Bana, who are interested in Grace Choi... then-member of the then-current Outsiders team.  Our issue ends with Air Force One being halted in mid-air by Supergirl and Wonder Girl, demanding the President's surrender to the Amazons.  Oddly enough, are we beginning to notice some character choice parallels to my blog entry, yesterday?

Before we talk about Amazons Attack #4, some story updates we missed.

• The then-lame version of the Freedom Fighters team were supposed to be tasked with the President's safety, but they were entrenched in a mission, which lead to the Air Force One evacuation.  (Forget CANCELLING the mission.  Maybe it's because the story was becoming so bloody messy, even the lameoids of the Freedom Fighters didn't want to show up.)
• I forgot to mention that Hippolyta met with Diana... AGAIN... to talk about this aggressive action.  Did we already forget that this was started all about Hippolyta had NO IDEA where Diana was being held, and what was happening to her, but they've already talked IN PERSON... TWICE since the attack began?!?

Our text piece mentions that Wonder Woman meets with her mother... AGAIN... which leads Diana asking Hippolyta if she would kill Diana to win this battle?  Before we know the answer, Superman evacuates Wonder Woman from this family conflict, to fly her off to the Justice League for a strategy meeting, and to discuss the revelation of the Bana's involvement with some of the terrorist attacks.  Meanwhile, Wonder Girl and Supergirl convince the President to ground Air Force One... just in time for an Amazonian army on Pegasai to start chucking spears at the plane, killing off the pilot and gravely wounding the President.  They damage one of the jet engines, and the forced landing escalates into a forced CRASHING.  Cut to Grace Choi invoking the Marvel team-up tradition of beating up, then being convinced to join with, the Bana group of Amazons.  Supergirl and Wonder Girl start to see that with the Amazons being so blood-thirsty, they may have chosen the "wrong side" of the conflict, and they struggle to defend the President from being killed by the Amazonians.  Superman arrives on the scene, and attempts to talk some peace-sense into the Amazons.  (But not before he gives them the PATENTED red-glowy eyes of ANGER!)  Clark does manage to talk down the Amazon army... in time for a stealth group of Special Forces soldiers to show up, and gun down the Amazons, and evacuate the President to medical care, where the commanding officer talks DOWN to Superman.  (And if I were in Kal El's shoes, this would be the point where I would freely backhand some ingrates...)  We end the issue with Hippolyta beginning to doubt the effectiveness of the battle, when all of the sudden the battle-zone is covered by an energy dome, trapping in the Central D.C. area, and keeping out more powerful heroes like Superman, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter.  All this is achieved by Circe, who stands in the shadows... like a "dead person" does.

The text opening for Amazons Attack #5 tells us of how Catwoman helps Batman in averting a Bana attack in Gotham.  (I also forgot to mention in the last issue that Batman was about to COMPLETELY bail on the D.C. defense, because his "turf" in Gotham was being threatened, because... Batman.)  And we find out Wonder Woman finds the "Amazon bee" medicine on Themyscira, only to find out Circe DID end up launching a nuke at the island!  Diana prevents the nuke missile from landing, and has a chat with the goddess Athena, to talk out all this insanity, and basically gets a lot of godly "non-answers" from this conversation, and is teleported back to D.C.  The issue opens with Superman crossing over with "Under the Dome", as he collides with the mystical D.C. dome.  Grace Choi gets the Bana backstory, and a plea to join forces with the renegade Amazon faction.  Superman runs into the Bana, and Grace, and tells Grace that the Bana aren't quite as "benevolent" as they make themselves out to be.  The Bana hold Grace hostage, freely enter the dome... BECAUSE... and then stab Grace in her side for their trouble.  We... as readers... were given the impression that the Bana DESPISED the Amazonians-proper.  So why is it that Hippolyta seems so happy that they've arrived to "join forces"?  Circe is disabled by some magic words that Zatanna told Batman to recite, when he sneaks up on her... because, Batman.  He then decks her across the face, and notifies the powerhouses that could not PREVIOUSLY enter the dome that, with Circe de-powered, they're clear for entry!  Our issue ends with the DC Heroes and the Amazons beginning to square off for the final GRAND MELEE!  Which Circe is apparently overjoyed about, because this is just what she... wanted?  Er, WHAT?!?

No opening texts for Amazons Attack #6.  Just an opening of Hippolyta screaming about where Wonder Woman is.  Diana's a bit busy meeting with Circe, threatening the sinister sorceress, when Mommy Dearest shows up for a loving "slobber knocker".  Diana challenges her mother to kill her for the victory of their cause... AGAIN.  Hippolyta sees "wisdom", but Circe shows up to say the fight ends only when SHE says so.  Oh yeah, and her magic is back.  But then Athena shows up on the scene in her Low Rider.  (I can wish, can't I?)  Athena exiles Circe to Hades, browbeats the Amazons in a long-winded lecture, and... I STILL really can't figure out how she punishes all Amazons outside of Wonder Woman.  I THINK she draws Themyscira closer to "Man's World", and then basically makes all Amazons forget about their heritage, and zaps them into normal "womanly" lives.  So... the war is OVER?  But we find out Athena was actually Apokaliptian headmistress, Granny Goodness, in disguise, leading towards the developing "Final Crisis".  And I end up wanting to punch myself, after it all.

What shocks me, the most, about this event was it was a series I collected when they FIRST CAME OUT!  I was completely hooked on DC Comics after the "Infinite Crisis" event, and was curious where they would go with the lead-in to "Final Crisis".  What I GOT, instead, was a BOATLOAD of really confused and train-wrecky mini-events, leading to a VERY confusing main event.  And "Amazons Attack" falls more in the train-wreck category of the storytelling spectrum.  Events, and character beats, are often recycled and forgotten in the span of SINGLE ISSUES.  The artwork by Pete Woods is pretty uninspiring, not really carrying the action to any degree.  And I really can't say I'm moved by either Wonder Woman, Hippolyta, or Circe's roles in the conflict.  While I may have slightly been involved with this story when it was originally hitting the shelves, I now find it reads TERRIBLY, and is a certifiable low-point for DC story arcs.  But I imagine if I argue against it TOO long, I'll also suffer from a near-fatal Amazonian bee attack...